It appeared to be just another morning when Sophie was having a hard time waking up. She could hear her husband stomping away in the kitchen: making breakfast, getting ready with only the beats of music giving him company. She knew if she did not wake up, she wouldn’t be able to help him and then she’ll curse herself for it later. Mustering all the will power, she finally got up. Instead of getting out of the bed, she surrendered to the sinking feeling of doom cover her face with hot tears. It felt as if her body produced a new batch of negative hormones inside of her.
Just a few days back, her father had an operation, yet things were not so good, after all. His surgeon suspected that he may be another cancer victim. Hearing this probability, her mom lost her usual positive spirit towards life. With both Sophie and her sister living away from her parents, there was nobody to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. They called her every day to assure her that God was just testing their faith but did any of them believe them. So they remained in denial. Her dad was left unaware of this possibility, and he thought everything was, in fact, okay. While he was confused as to why everyone was not their cheery-selves, Sophie, her sister, and her mom were juggling with their next step.
Every day, without fail, Sophie was assuring her mom that nothing was wrong and that the surgeon had just put forth a possibility. This morning, however, she let the tears fall draining all her hope away in the process. With each tear, she begged God to take her away instead. She could not bear to see her mom losing her hope, faith, and spirit. It was all too much. She knew she hadn’t been the best daughter. Hell, she hadn’t been even a good daughter, but that did not give God the right to punish her and her family this way.
It was unfair. Nevertheless, wasn’t she the one screaming at the top of her lungs that life wasn’t fair. Why, then, was she hoping for a fair life for herself. She was not an exception, but she could ask God to trade her life in exchange for her dad’s. “I have not done anything worthwhile. Nobody would miss me that much. Everybody moves on. I would not see my mom losing herself with worry and hopelessness. God, if you love me, just take me away instead. Even if you hate me, take your revenge by taking my life, instead.” This had become her mantra for a while now.
No matter how heavy the pain is, our brain forces us to do the next logical thing. So, that’s what Sophie did. Wiping her tears away, she finally put aside the blanket and went into the kitchen. She helped her husband with breakfast and sat down with a glass of water. She would not cry in front of him. What would he think of her? For far too long, she had been down with depression, and he had stood by her while she was sobbing with no reason at all. Yet all logic drained away as she could not hold her tears. So, she prayed that he would not notice her tears.
“Hey. Are you crying?” And with those words, the flood broke. He hugged her, and she let herself cry against the warmth of his neatly ironed shirt. For one million reasons, she knew she didn’t deserve his care and love, but at this moment, she cast her doubts aside. With carefully crafted words of wisdom, he tried to calm her down. That helped, but of course, that did not mean the pain went away. He, on the other hand, had to leave for the office. “Cancer must die. I wish cancer dies of cancer and then this stupid cancer just vanishes from this universe.” She wished as hard as she could, and decided to make this her new mantra. And as the brain always does, it directed her towards her next course of action. She played Linkin Park – In The End – Mellen Gi Remix and went to get ready for the day.