I don’t recall exact moment when my brain filled itself with so much negativity but now this is all I feel. When I am sitting idle or when I am walking down the road or I am doing a task which does not involve a lot of concentration, my brain goes straight to negative aspect of the world and starts weaving the thoughts by using threads of darkness. I imagine myself walking down the street and having a normal day but suddenly I get in a terrible accident or I get kidnapped or other awful things which I’d rather not even pen down. I imagine having a splendid day in office and receiving dreadful news involving my family. Almost every time my husband travels alone my mind goes to the darkest places imaginable which terrify me. I have become the most negative and scared person in my knowledge and this is not the person I would like to spend my life with. They say “No risk no gain” but without even taking any risk I am so paranoid that no amount of gain can draw me to take a risk to get it.
When I look back at my childhood, I can see only happiness. I only participated in two emotional activities : being happy and crying (a lot). I used to cry a lot at about anything. All my teachers knew that I have subscribed to unlimited amount of tears and I am not ashamed to use it. At least that’s what they thought. After crying I used to sleep whenever feasible and then again woke up being happy as ever. The most negative thing I could imagine was not being able to clear my exam and study the same class with new and younger classmates. That was it.
As the time passed one more negative thought added and that was not being able to find love of my life (wink). Thanks to chick flicks I adored so much. I think only a limited amount is assigned to our fascinations and fear. You see in that period of my life I was busy imagining a world full of beauty and love. I was lead actress of every movie which I loved. After lots of ups and downs I always found love of my life and we lived happily ever after. In some of those happily ever afters I got a genie or a fairy godmother who decided to stay with me because I was so much fun to be with. So I got love and magic. What could go wrong there? Hence not so many negative thoughts surrounded me.
But All good things come to end and I got more insight into how this world works these days. Inhumanity replaced dreamworld’s base of having kindness in every heart (except for one villain of course), lies replaced truth and ugliness replaced beauty and negative imagination replaced innocent hope of a beautiful world.
As a child I believed when Lord Krishna told Arjun that for protection of good and destruction of evil, He will take birth in every age. But now all I see is decay and no sign of lord’s incarnation on earth. I wonder how much rise of sin is yet left to see. A mother killed her child for money, a father raped her daughter, terrorists kidnap kids to teach them how to torture and destroy other human beings, girls are being sold like vegetables, ladies are being burnt by in-laws for dowry, citizens of whole country have become migrants, acid is being thrown on girls who take a stand against eve-teasing and list goes on but I do not see any incarnation of lord. I see fake babas (so-called saints) pretending to be lord’s incarnation but no real incarnation.
Or probably I got it all wrong. Probably the revolution we are observing now-a-days is what He meant when He said He will take birth to destruct vice. Perhaps what superpower wants from us is to learn to stand together against all that is wrong and help ourselves. After all “God helps those who help themselves”.
There is one more scary possibility which I do not wish to believe but still it crosses my mind every once or twice. What if there is no superpower? Then what? Are we on our own? If so, how do we know whether we shall overcome? Who is monitoring our activities or we have become so habitual of being monitored that we can not think of surviving without being monitored? Who is keeping score of the good things we are doing and bad stuff we did?