Do you sometimes get a nagging feeling that if you could change this one thing about yourself, you would be far more content with your life than you are at present? I know I sound like one of those cheesy commercials wherein the salesperson pops up with a “happiness device” of some kind, but, trust me, I have no such device. Like you, I am rolling with the punches that life throws at me. However, there are times when I pause to self-evaluate. I wonder whether there is any attribute in my personality that could be holding me back from enjoying everything that my life has to offer or not. Well, lately, the self-evaluation result has not been as good as I would like it to be. It’s not a rocket science, really! When everything in your life is as it should be (well, almost) and still you find reasons to whine, there is definitely something wrong.
The one flaw that I have discovered about myself is my pessimism. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the whole world, and by the grace of God, I have been blessed with plenty of love to last a lifetime. My family, friends, husband and the wonderful community of bloggers have showered me with; yet, there is a part of me who keeps waiting for the wheel of fortune to turn. I know and appreciate the love that I receive but it is the worst idea, in my head, to acknowledge and rely on it. If I became too dependent on this love, may be, it would be taken from me. Perhaps, the person I would look for support would not feel the same towards me. I am scared of having my heart broken, so I keep it closed. If I would not acknowledge love’s presence, how would I regret losing it? Nobody can take a thing away from it if you never had it. I relate to those movies where the couple is deep in love, and then something happens and one of them dies; think P.S. I love you, A Walk to Remember and If Only. Such movies speak to me because this is how my heart pictures the future. Gone case, right?
Sometimes, I feel like the biggest hypocrite alive because I am the biggest preacher of “living life one day at a time.” In reality, however, I am the one who is always imagining the worst to come any moment. I can preach the importance of believing that everything happens for a reason — usually good — however, when it comes to applying the same thought process to myself, my brain “ne comprend pas” (sorry, couldn’t resist throwing my knowledge of french language, with no apparent reason 😉 )
I crave for the day when I would be able to enjoy the moment with not a care in the world. I would want to feel the wind in my hair without worrying that later, I would need to work on detangling the mess I am creating. For once, just once, I would like to scream at the top of my lungs without caring about the fact that later I would need to empty cough syrups to get rid of a throat infection. Only for a day, I desire to embrace all the love without the fear that soon, all this love would slip through my fingers like grains of sand. If only!
The way I feel right now, I believe that I would want to replace my pessimistic approach towards life with careless, hopeless and beautiful optimism.
P.S. This post is in response to the Friday Reflections prompt – “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be”